Thursday, September 18, 2008

Miracle Commission Proposed

Another gem from Barnie Day*;
The Answer To Our Prayers


TO: House and Senate Leadership, Governor Tim Kaine

FROM: A humble servant

RE: Miracle Commission / Mustard Seed Task Force

Gentlemen, as we slouch with heavy dread toward another appointment with that destiny that is surely ours—the 2009 session of the Virginia General Assembly—it has been laid on my heart to suggest to you a move that could lighten, even dissipate, the heavy burden of problems that vex us. Virginia’s always been in the lead on most things—no reason we can’t be first with this: appoint a Miracle Commission.

I know you’re thinking; “Now why didn’t I think of that?”

I don't know why you didn’t—you’ve appointed them for everything else under the sun—but fret not, that’s what humble servants are for.

What could it hurt?

Why shouldn’t transportation be a faith-based initiative? Nothing else seems to work.

Jesus said, “Take up thy bed and walk.” At the rate you’re going, that’s going to be our only option if something doesn’t change.

If multitudes can be fed with a few loaves and fishes, surely we might pass out a few chunks of asphalt and see what happens.

Lay down your burdens—appoint a Miracle Commission.

Faltering state economy? No sweat. Can’t agree on judges (or anything else, it seems)? Piece of cake. The uninsured? Easy. Chronic school funding shortages? Not a problem. Our vast mental health needs? Peach pie.

You could dump all of these aggravations into the Miracle Commission, and have room to spare!

And Governor, bless your heart, don’t think for a minute that I’m forgetting you. Nossir. I know you were bummed out by the way that VP gig panned out—we all were. But there is still time to come up with a legacy.

This is where the Mustard Seed Task Force comes in. It’ll be an executive committee, sort of a parallel tracking thing that will allow you to guide and mentor the Miracle Commission by
“laying on hands”—if you know what I mean.

And there is a corollary benefit to this one: The Mustard Seed Task Force will give your senior advisors something to do. I know they must get in the way on slow days. Hey, look at it from their perspective. Make-work gets tiresome. It’s hard to look busy day in and day out. You can
only read the “Help Wanteds” so many times without gagging.

Lame-ducking ain’t fun—for nobody. But it could be—with the Miracle Commission and the Mustard Seed Task Force. You could go out in a blaze of glory!

I hear the budget is coming up a little short. Miracle and Mustard Seed could help on that.
Once they solve transportation and all that other stuff, they could regulate and license faith healers.

I looked around. They’re making big dough on everything from “distance” healing, using 1-900
phone numbers, to evened-up leg lengths, to folks made to see through glass eyes, to gout, corns, heart attacks, unsightly birthmarks, smelly feet, various and sundry “fevers,” and “demons on the heart.”

(Brings to mind an old-timer in Carroll County who told me once about his brother, who drank so much that “roaches on the liver” finally killed him. But that’s another story.)

Some of these jokers have pretty good businesses on the side selling relics. The Miracle Commission could decide whether we ought to tax stuff like that.

I didn’t know you could buy the actual nails that held Jesus to the cross on eBay. Did you? (I don’t know what they’ll bring. I didn’t bid.)

Gentlemen, I believe in miracles. I think most of us do. It’s high time we unshackled this power and turned it loose on state government.

Appoint a Miracle Commission. And don’t forget the Mustard Seed Task Force.
Thanks Barnie. You always seem to know when my well has run dry.

*Barnie Day was a Democratic delegate from Patrick County from 1997 through the 2001 session. A graduate of UNC-Chapel Hill and Duke and now a Virginia banker, he currently lives in the wilds of Meadows of Dan where he enjoys an occasional cigar, The New Yorker, low-stakes cards, Jack Daniels, and Andy Griffith re-runs. You can find a couple of archives of his writing here and here.

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